How To Disagree
How To Disagree
Why listening is key
Once a month I attend a local pastors lunch. It is a smallish group of 8-15 church leaders in our area. Some are parachurch leaders, some are church planters, some are pastors in traditional churches like ours. We all gather because we share one massive thing in common: a desire to see our amazing city transformed into the image of Jesus. I love this group because of their lazer focus on seeing people from the cracks and crevices of our city turn their loyalty to Jesus. I often walk out of these lunches feeling refreshed and eager to join this movement of disciple makers.
Last week we were continuing to talk about what it means to focus on disciple making. The central idea was that disciple making needs to take priority over the forms of church that we often cling to. So often we assume it is happening because we preach and have classes. Yet, we are often missing the target. Churches tend to cater to a small portion of the population, the impact severely limited with an obsession with the “institutional church.”
As we were talking, one of the pastors spoke up. He was upset over the way we were talking about the “institutional church.” He felt we were being overly critical of tradition. He thought we were conveying that we no longer believed that church, as traditionally organized, was no longer effective and therefore needed to be brought out back and put down. Spoiler alert: that is not what we were saying at all.
Normally the way these lunches start with maybe an hours worth of discussion before we spend an hour eating and building relationships. Not this month. Instead of building relationships that last hour was spent fully engaging with this one pastors issues with our discussion. I think it is great that he felt comfortable voicing his opinion, especially when it became clear early on he was alone in his interpretation. The problem was, no matter how we explained that we loved the “institutional church” and that we were not actively saying anything negative about it… it did no good. It became clear that he was not listening to a word we were saying. The frustration built as it became clear that we were really arguing the same basic point… yet he just kept digging his heels in.
While it might be easy to judge him or assume he was either arrogant or ignorant… I think it is important we step back a moment. We are all guilty of doing the same thing. So often we get into disagreements with others… and in the midst of the back and forth we find our eyes closed off. The truth is, we are not great at listening. So often when I am in disagreement with someone, I find myself focused solely on what I am about to say. It becomes more about proving I am right instead of understanding.
Disagreement is natural. We encounter people constantly who have varying opinions, views, and ideologies. Personally, I find a ton of beauty in the midst of this diversity. In order to tap into that diversity to see the beauty, we must learn to listen.
Next time you find yourself in disagreement with someone… do yourself a favor and listen. Resist the temptation to make this a game to be won. The goal is not to be right, it is to reach common ground. To grow. That doesn’t mean all opinions are true… but through this we can better understand where the other person is coming from.